Downward Spiral
by lostgirl76
Summary: The past is finally catching up to Jane the traumas she has been through, how will she cope and how will it effect the relationships she has with the people she loves. I have rated this fiction M due to some swearing and the nature of the story. There will be no Major character deaths just a slow burn to Rizzles
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

**A/N This is my first fan fiction ever .I have never wrote anything since childhood so I'm very nervous. I would love a beta if anyone would like to help.**

The basement is dark, so dark I can't see my own hand that's just a few inches in front of my own face. That doesn't matter to me; I don't need to see my hands. I don't need to see anything in the basement. Everything I need to see is in my mind, all being played back to me in full colour and detail. The basement is cold and damp but I don't notice it, I'm not affected by it. The wind and rain coming through the open storm door doesn't affect me either. I feel numb and alone, I have for the last few months, and the only thing I can feel is the metal in my hand, my scared hand. The gun gives me comfort. Comfort that soon; very soon, this is all going to end. The last six years have come a full circle and now as I sit in the exact same place where everything started to go wrong, I feel a sudden feeling of being at peace, a feeling that finally it's all going to end. I'm going to finish what Hoyt should have done all those years ago. This time there is no one to rescue me, no one knows where I am and the hands that Hoyt had done so much damage to and that I have, in turn, done so much damage and hurt to everyone in my life. It will all end tonight and I won't be able to hurt anyone else.


	2. Chapter 2

The last few months had been hard and stressful and so much drama in the family department. I didn't mind the stress of work if I was honest I would say I thrived on it. Being a Rizzoli you would think I was used to the family drama, at one stage of my life I was used to it, but that was before work and family merged into one.

In the good old days, I used to be able to separate the family drama from work life, as soon as I would step foot in the station, I was able to forget everything but work, I could throw myself into the job with no distractions. When Frankie started working at headquarters I could still separate the two. Frankie would be on patrol and I could go days without seeing him but then things slowly changed. Firstly we got a new chief medical examiner Dr Maura Isles, which was great she was the best of the best at her job. I never thought for a minute we would become friends, but we did, we started spending a lot of time together outside of work and that was great. But along with the friendship came complications, as we got to know each other better, it became harder to separate home and work life. Most of the time that was fine, but over time my home and work life balance got worse. Frankie changed his beat and I started seeing more of him at work. Eventually he worked more and more with the homicide team as he gained experience and knowledge while he worked towards his detective badge. By the time he got his badge, my ma was working full time in the division one café, as well as living in my best friend's guest house. It was getting to the point where nearly everyone in my personal life worked at the precinct, and we spent so much time together that it made the separation of work and home more difficult as it seemed the family drama would follow me into work.

It was only the last few months that I realised how much my family problems encroached into my work life, it seemed as though there was no escape. Did this have an impact on my problems I'm not sure, I am sure that it made my ability to compartmentalise my problems that much harder. Don't get me wrong I loved my family and Maura, she was my best friend, but constantly running into them made dealing with the issues that more difficult.

I would probably say that the last month had been the hardest and I hadn't slept for more than a few hours each night. Stress was affecting my sleep, I was having trouble switching my brain off so to speak, I would lie awake for hours with what felt like everything you could imagine running through my brain. I would eventually fall asleep but I wouldn't stay asleep, my nightmares would wake me.

The nightmares I suffered had always been a constant in my life, ever since I was attacked by Hoyt, but they would come and go, sometimes I could go months without any. But at times of stress they would come back with avengeance, like they were now, only this time they were worse. This time they were making me physically ill, even during the day I wasn't able to shake the images of the nightmares.

I used to have a salvation, an aid to the nightmares, something that would ease the effects, calm me and help me through them. That salvation was Maura. If I was home alone I would call her, she would always answer, regardless of the time, situation or company she may had. Maura would always answer the call; she would talk to me, not necessarily about the nightmare, but just everyday mundane stuff. Her voice would calm me. If the nightmare was particularly horrific, or she couldn't calm me, she would drop everything and rush over to my apartment or I would go to her. Maura would just hold me and utter soothing words, comforting me until I recovered. I don't know how many nights we spent like that.

At other times when we were already together, having one of our many sleepovers, sharing the same bed, she would wake me before the nightmare became too intense. Maura always seemed to sense when I was having one. On those nights she would curl up around me and hold me until I fell asleep again. Those were the good times. I no longer had that salvation from the nightmares; it was up to me to deal with them alone.

The particular day where things seriously started to fall apart in my life, had been a really long day, myself and my partners Detective Frost and Detective Sergeant Korsak had been working for over 36 hours continuously to solve the latest homicide. We had finally managed to apprehend and charge the killer by lunch time and we had spent the rest of the day wrapping the case up. It was early evening when I made my way home.

I walked into my apartment, my gun drawn as I went from room to room checking that everything was OK. This routine of walking through my apartment with my gun had started a while back when the nightmares had begun; it was now a reflex action and I done it without thinking. That night my mind was preoccupied with the nightmares and memories of Hoyt, and all I had wanted to do was to try and relax, have a few beers and sleep. I wanted to sleep without dreaming I was so exhausted, but I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed for a few hours there was still things I had to do, things that needed done tonight, they couldn't wait until tomorrow.

That evening I had Joe Friday to walk, then I had a pre-arranged video call with Casey to deal with and I needed to speak to Maura. Something was wrong with Maura, she had been distant and off with me for the past week and I needed to find out what was troubling my best friend. I had tried everything I could think of to talk to Maura, but with no luck, I had even asked my mother, as a last resort to see if she knew what was wrong with Maura, but my mother had said that Maura had been fine with her. The only conclusion that I had was that it was only me that Maura was behaving strangely with. I had given Maura space, not going over to hers, I had made her aware that I was there for her and she could contact me anytime but she didn't. I hadn't been there for family dinner on Sunday, I had been working but it was at the point were enough was enough. I needed to find out what was going and I needed to reassure Maura that she wouldn't have to survive without her best friend because I wasn't going anywhere. Thinking about things with Maura I was positive that this was why she had been so off and distant. Maura had even turned down my offers of movie nights or drinks, her actions had reminded me of the time Ian had been at Maura's, but that couldn't be the reason for Maura's behaviour, my mother would have said something if she had seen any male visitors at Maura's. I wondered if maybe it was just stress, the last few weeks had been more that stressful. What with Casey proposing to me then leaving, the family diner when my pop was in town, the bomb scare and Hope turning up maybe it had just been too much for Maura. One way or another I was determined to find out what was wrong and help my best friend.

I looked at the clock; I had an hour before Casey was going to call me. I had decided to take Joe out for her walk. While I was out I would call Maura, just to see if she was ok. I grabbed Joe's leash and attached it to the dog's collar. I grabbed my phone and keys before leaving my apartment. I had walked about half a block when I dialled Maura's cell, it rang once, twice then on the third ring it went to answer service, I decided to leave a message, "hey Maura it's Jane just wanted to see it you were ok, give me a call back when you get this". I thought it was strange that it went to the answer service after three rings; Maura had her answer phone set for six rings. I realised then that she had rejected my call, something she never did. I headed back to my apartment, my thoughts on Maura, realising that something was definitely wrong Maura never rejected my calls, even if she couldn't answer she would let it ring. I needed to find out what was going on and help her if I could, I thought as I booted up my laptop. I had five minutes before Casey came on line which was just enough time to grab a beer I knew I would need it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

**A/N Casey may appear out of character in this chapter but this is how I see him and how I feel he would react. **

"Hey Jane how's it going, you look kinda stressed is everything OK? Have you thought any more of my proposal? Or do you need more time? It's just I'm going out on a mission soon. I need to have some idea of where we are in this relationship. If you tell me yes tonight, I get to come back to Boston to you, in the next few days and I won't have to go out on this job, I would rather be in Boston" Casey asked.

I took a deep breath and a large gulp of beer before I answered him; this was something I was not looking forward to. The last week, not spending my free time with Maura, had given me time to think about Casey, about us, his marriage proposal, his declaration of love, neither of the latter I had responded to. It had given me time to think about Maura's words, asking if I was leaving and how would she survive without me. When she uttered those words I had seen and felt her pain, it was written in her face. That day in the lab, I had so wanted to go after her to reassure and comfort her. I knew she was upset, she had claimed to have had a foreign body in her cornea. I had seen the tears, but she walked away. I tried to go after her but she quietly said no and I let her walk away.

I thought hard about the last two years of Casey being back in my life, I thought about the number of times he walked back into my life, and then just as quickly walked back out. The rejection and the hurt he had caused me and how everything was always on his terms and his needs. Casey wanted one if us (probably me) to leave our careers to be together. If it was me who had to leave, I would have had to walk away from my job, my family and Maura, especially Maura. I would have had to walk away from everything and everyone I loved to be with him.

I couldn't do it, I had realised during those nights spent alone that I loved him as a friend, I wasn't in love with him, I never was, I was in love with the idea. I didn't want to give up everything to be with him, he needed to know this and the time had come that I had to tell him. I knew I had to bite the bullet and do it. It wasn't fair to Casey and it wasn't fair to me or anyone else.

I looked down at my scared hands; I rubbed them with anxiety before I spoke. "Hi Casey, wow, so many questions, but actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you've been really patient and everything about waiting for my answer. But I….I…. can't marry you, I'm sorry Casey. I thought I loved you enough but I don't. I love you as a friend, but I'm not in love with you, I'm sorry. I've realised that I can't forgive or forget the way you have treated me, coming in and out of my life for the last 2 years. You've pushed me away, and then come running back as soon as it suits you. I can't forget your ultimatum to marry you or you re-enlist, yet you still gave me an engagement ring, and then still go back to Afghanistan. It hurt's Casey, you have hurt me and maybe if I loved you enough I could move past it but I Can't. Even just now your pushing .I'm not prepared for one of us to have to give up their careers. I'm not prepared to leave my family, my job or my best friend. I'm not prepared to hurt them like you've hurt me. It's not just marriage I don't want, I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you anymore, I don't like the person I become when your around, I don't like that you try to change me, I'm sorry Casey" .

"WHAT, JANE ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING. YOU WAIT TILL I JUST TELL YOU I'M GOING ON A MISSION, AND THEN YOU TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT ME. THAT'S LOW JANE, EVEN FOR YOU THAT'S LOW. I WAS PREPARED TO ACCEPT YOU HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I WAS AWAY BEFORE I GOT INJURED BUT THIS ….THIS IS UTTER CRAP, YOU TELL ME OVER VIDEO LINK THAT WERE THROUGH. WOW, THAT'S JUST GREAT, WELL DONE JANE, YOU JUST SHOWED ME THE BITCH YOU REALLY ARE. IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE ME THOUGH BECAUSE YOUR SHIT AT RELATIONSHIPS, EVERY TIME YOU FUCK IT UP, HOW LONG BEFORE YOU FUCK UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MAURA. WITH YOUR FAMILY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY'LL LAST? YOUR SELFISH JANE, DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND YOU, YOUR TOXIC, MAURA YOUR FAMILY; THEY ONLY STICK AROUND OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY. WITHOUT ME YOU HAVE NO ONE JANE. NO ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO END UP A SAD LONELY OLD WOMAN, DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE STICK AROUND, THEY PITY YOU JANE, ANGELA, MAURA, FRANKIE THEY PITY YOU BECAUSE YOU GOT ATTACKED BY A SERIAL KILLER. YOU DON'T OFFER ANYTHING TO ANYONE ONE. I THOUGHT I LOVED YOU, BUT I DIDN'T I, PITYED YOU BECAUSE YOU SHOT YOURSELF, YOUR WORTHLESS AND THE SOONER YOU REALISE THAT THE BETTER. NO ONE REALLY WANTS YOU JANE. NO ONE, YOUR JUST A SELFISH PITIFUL WOMAN AND I FOR ONE HAVE HAD ENOUGH , DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE. WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SEES YOUR TRUE COLOURS AND LEAVES DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO RUN BACK TO ME. I HATE YOU JANE I CANT BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING THIS".

At that Casey had ended the call. The venom and anger that had seeped out of Casey's mouth was enough to bring tears to my eyes, never mind the words. I continued to look at the blank screen. Was I really everything he said, yes he was angry but did I deserve the harshness, was he speaking the truth I couldn't really decide. I had never for a moment thought he would react like this, he had nearly always been gentle when he spoke to me, I had never seen this side of him, it hurt and confused me. Maybe I had been naïve I thought he would have understood and accepted it, he knew my job meant as much to me as his did, he knew how much I loved my family and friends. It was hard for me to comprehend the emotions that ran through me along with sadness, hurt and anger at his reaction the biggest emotion I had was relief. Relief that this part of my life that had weighed so heavy on my mind was now lifted.

I closed the lid of my laptop and finished my beer, hoping the alcohol would calm me, it didn't I needed another drink and I needed to think.

I walked over to the fridge and pulled out another beer and went to sit on the sofa, I was still shocked at Casey's words. I decided to put the TV on for some background noise as I tried to calm myself. Casey's words had stung, was I really a bitch, it brought back the painful memory of Maura saying that people said that about me behind my back, that was when I was arguing with Maura over me shooting Paddy Doyle. Did Casey really mean what he said?. I tried to clear my mind I decided I could deal with what Casey had said later, it wasn't a priority, it was over and done with. I needed to focus on what I was going to do about Maura. There was obviously something going on with her, but what it was I had no idea. Maura had been avoiding me; I had been getting one or two word text replies. When I called Maura's cell I would get no answer, even when I called at 3am, just to hear Maura's voice after I'd had another nightmare but Maura didn't answer. Maura had always promised me she would answer, especially during the night, but she had broken that promise which had devastated and hurt me, but I thought that Maura and our friendship was still worth fighting for, I could put the hurt and devastation aside, lock it away in a corner of my brain and move on. I had known for definite something was wrong with either our friendship or Maura. I felt that our friendship was slipping away, one unanswered call I could understand but twice over two nights I couldn't understand, after that second time I'd stopped calling, as much as I needed Maura at those times, I knew she wouldn't answer. I had never felt so alone, especially when Maura never even mentioned the 3am calls. When we did see each other at work, Maura avoided eye contact and had barely anything to say. The hurt, sadness and betrayal I felt were overwhelming, however I still loved her and I would do anything to see her happy, to help her. I knew I could put my negative feelings aside to deal with later, as long as I knew Maura was ok.

I decided to call her again, this time the answering service kicked in after 2 rings and I didn't leave a message I had had enough of being ignored, I needed to find out what was wrong.

"Come on Joe, were going to go see Maura, see what the hell is going on. The night can only get better right Joe?". Joe had looked and tilted her head from side to side and ran to the door eager to leave the apartment. I took another couple of mouthfuls of my beer then grabbed my stuff and left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

**A/N I would just like to thank everyone who is following or making this story a favourite but I'm not sure if I should continue this story as not sure it's what people want to read or if I'm just a bad Author.**

It took me 15 minutes to drive to Maura's, as I pulled up outside her house I noticed Frankie's car sitting in the drive. I looked at the clock on the dash and seen it was 10.30 'what the hell is Frankie doing here at this time he's not visiting Ma, her car's not here and she was going out with Cavanaugh tonight' I had thought. I got out of the car and took a deep breath, as I had let Joe out of the back-seat. Joe jumped out of the car and ran towards Maura's front door and I slowly followed. For some reason I felt a sense of dread in my stomach, I was almost at the front door when it opened. Joe ran straight in to Maura's house probably looking for Bass, she had been unnoticed by the two people standing face to face at the door. As I got closer I realised it was Maura and Frankie, they were hugging and Maura was giving Frankie a Chaste kiss. I just stood there frozen, my arms by my sides, my hands curled into fists. For some reason I could feel anger slowly boiling inside. Maura had looked up, she noticed me standing there and I could see the colour draining from her face and a small "Jane" escaped from her lips. Hearing my name Frankie had slowly turned around to see me. He probably would have seen the anger, hurt and betrayal that flashed across my face. I couldn't do this; I couldn't be here, I couldn't handle this right now, I had my reason now for Maura pushing me away, she had replaced me, with my brother. I turned and started to walk away.

"Jane" Maura shouted as she quickly followed me. I stopped and slowly turned around and looked, I could never refuse her. Maura was standing a few feet away from me; just behind her was Frankie he was standing with his head down looking at his feet looking awkward. I looked at Maura's face and I could see the guilt written across it. Maura looked at me and would clearly have seen the hurt, sadness and betrayal in my eyes and the anger in my face. I always struggled to hide my emotions from her. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul and Maura had a talent for seeing right through that window. She always knew how I felt; she had a gift for knocking down all my defensive walls, that I had spent a life time constructing. She was the only person that I would let through those defences and she knew that. I knew she would know exactly how I felt, even when I tried to hide my emotions, Maura always knew. "Jane please let me explain "Maura pleaded as I began to turn around to head back to the car. I heard Maura's desperate plea and I turned back to her "explain, explain what Maura. I think I have seen everything I need to see for your explanation. The reason you have avoided any contact with me this last week, the reason you ignored my calls, your one word text replies and why you haven't been able to look me in the eyes. It all makes sense now, and to think I came here to check you were ok, to try and fix whatever was wrong. Well more fool me Maura" I answered coolly, the memory of 2 years ago and Maura's words after she and Tommy almost kissed I felt those words spoken by Maura "Jane I like Tommy a lot but I love you and I hate it when you hate me so I don't want to do anything to compromise our friendship", were a lie especially the last part, I couldn't think straight. I needed to just go, I needed to think.

"Jane please come inside I want to explain, talk to you about it please" Maura was almost begging with me, but I didn't want to go inside, I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to leave. Tonight had been too much for me, first Casey and now Maura. I felt like I had no fight left in me, I felt as though every relationship I had was a lie "Maura do you know I have been so worried about you the past week, thinking you were withdrawing from our friendship, because you thought I was leaving, that you were losing your best friend. I came here tonight to reassure you that you weren't, THAT'S why I came here tonight to tell you, to reassure you, that you weren't losing your best friend but obviously it was me who was losing my best friend cause she moved onto my little brother ".By the time those last words were spoken I was sobbing, I had spoken from the heart, I started walking back to the car, suddenly I heard Frankie speak "Jane, Maura doesn't deserve this, your being an ass and you know it". Suddenly my temper flared, I couldn't believe what Frankie was saying. How was I being an ass, I had just discovered my brother and best friend kissing. I was shocked, who wouldn't be, I wasn't being an ass I just couldn't deal with the situation, Frankie saying what he did really angered me. I marched over to Frankie and stopped inches from his face "WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF I'M BEING AN ASS FRANKIE, THE ONLY ASS, I SEE IS YOU, MAURA WAS FAMILY. YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU THOUGHT OF HER AS A SISTER AND NOW YOUR HOOKING UP WITH HER THAT MAKES YOU SICK FRANKIE, SICK" I hadn't been able to stop myself from shouting at him. I didn't wait for his reaction I just marched back to my car. The walk back to the car gave me a couple of seconds to think and calm down slightly I knew I couldn't leave like this with the last words being anger. I opened the car door but I didn't get in instead I leant over the roof and looked at them both. Maura was crying and Frankie had his head down again seeing them like that made me sad, but also I suddenly felt so alone. Letting out a sigh I spoke to the couple "do you know something, I hope you are both happy together I mean that. I know Ma will be. She finally got her doctor in the family officially; just don't expect me to be around to see it". I wasn't being vindictive about saying I wouldn't be around to see it. I was being truthful, I wouldn't be around to see it, and it was obvious I had been replaced. It explained why Maura had been so distant and why she pushed me away. I was devastated and heartbroken and resigned to the fact that I was losing every relationship that was important to me just as Casey had predicted.

It was funny, I had gone over to Maura's to fight for our friendship, but I left resigned to the fact that I had been replaced. Maura hadn't told me I'd been replaced but my gut told me, my gut was never wrong. My best friend's actions over the last week confirmed my fears, I had been replaced and that maybe it meant nothing to her.

I would always still protect Maura, I would never deliberately hurt her, I would always still love her, I would still always look out for her, but it would be from a distance.

Maybe it was because of Casey's words, but that moment walking away, I wasn't just physically walking away, I was emotionally as well.

Casey had in effect reopened an old wound I had about Maura, about our relationship, the insecurity I had. I had tried for years to keep it hidden; maybe I had been kidding myself all those years. Why would Maura want someone like me around? I always thought our friendship would end, that she would find someone better, someone worthy of her. Maybe Frankie was that better person, he didn't have the insecurities, or the emotional scars I had.

The drive back to my apartment probably took less time than it did to drive to Maura's. I drove back as fast as I could, all I wanted was to get home and lock the world out, I wanted to be alone and I wanted a drink induced sleep. I had turned my cell off seconds after leaving Maura's; I really couldn't deal with anything more tonight. Hell the past few weeks had been bad, with all the drama and I was reaching the end of the line emotionally. My nightmares had started up again during the past few weeks probably caused by all the stress and I hadn't slept much these past few weeks.

I hadn't even noticed that Joe Friday was still at Maura's, until I got out of the car outside of my apartment and I went to let her out of the car. I didn't care, Joe Friday was better off without me. As soon as I entered my apartment, closed the door, and walked through it with my gun. I returned to the living room, I put the chain on the door then moved the brown leather arm chair in front of the door, which over the last few weeks had become an everyday occurrence. So was sleeping with my service weapon under my pillow. I needed the reassurance of the extra security, since the nightmares had started. They were starting to wear me down and get to me in such a way I had never known before. I tossed my cell on the table and went to get a beer, drinking each night had also become a regular occurrence almost a routine hoping that with each night I had a drink I would sleep without nightmares.

I sat on the sofa drinking my beer I could feel myself starting to succumb to the alcohol; I can't remember how many beers I had drunk. I don't even know if I passed out or fell asleep. I didn't care the only thoughts running around in my head were what had happened tonight. The fact tomorrow or today depending on what time it actually was, I had no idea but I knew it was Friday so I only had work for 1 day then I could be alone all weekend, and that would give me the time I needed to pull myself together.

**A/N I would just like to ask readers not to jump to conclusions. Remember this story is Jane's point of view and her perception of what is going on just because Jane perceives this doesn't mean it's true. Maura and Frankie may have kissed but that doesn't mean they are in a relationship. The truth will be revealed later in the story.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I would just like to thank everyone for the reviews for following this story. There are two chapters tonight.**

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

I was startled awake by the pounding on my apartment door, I had no idea what time it was, there wasn't much light in the apartment so it was obviously early. After I picked up my gun and took the safety off .I moved the chair, unlocked and opened the door. I kept the gun in my left hand behind my back. I couldn't believe who was standing there I just looked at Frost in disbelief "What the hell Frost, what time is it?

Frost looked at me with concern "it's 5 o'clock Jane and I was worried about you, can I come in? ".

"Frost its 5 o'clock in the morning shouldn't you be asleep in bed instead of being here, and what you worried about me for ".I really couldn't believe that Frost was at my door at this time of the day and what was such an emergency that he was here.

"Jane its 5 o'clock in the evening, you didn't show up for work. Your cell is off nobody's heard from you, we thought something had happened." Frost replied.

"Your shitting me Frost aren't you? " I was sure this was a joke but Frost shook his head no.

"Oh crap Cavanaugh's gonna have my ass "I muttered shaking my head in disbelief.

"Don't stress it Jane, Cavanaugh's been in meetings all day with the brass, me and Korsak covered for you. We told everyone else you were out interviewing for cold cases, we didn't know what to tell Maura when she asked, you know how she can tell when anyone's lying. You going to let me in and tell me what's going on Jane, because you never not turn up for shift, obviously something's up. Your cell being switched off, so what is it partner what's wrong". Frost answered with concern.

I could see Frost was worried, but how could I tell him that I had broke up with my fiancé, my best friend had replaced me with my brother and that I couldn't sleep without alcohol, otherwise I had nightmares. If I told him that he would lose all respect for me, he would see me as weak; he may even think I was crazy. I decided then and there that I couldn't tell anyone, I would deal with it all myself just as I had before Maura.

"Frost thanks for covering, but really now's not a good time, I have to be somewhere in an hour, but I'm absolutely fine. I just fell asleep late last night and I was obviously more tired than what I thought. But thank you for stopping by, I'll see you bright and early on Monday partner" I uttered as I started closing the door hoping that Frost had believed the lie. I didn't have anywhere to be I just didn't want to let him in either physically or emotionally. I don't know if he believed me but he seemed to accept it.

I watched Frost turn to walk away, before he did he looked over his shoulder at me and smiled "see you Monday Jane. Oh and Jane switch your cell on will you".

I locked the door, put the chain and chair back in place, and replaced the safety on my gun. It was hard to believe that I had slept all day, but at least the beer had prevented the nightmares so at least I had something to be grateful for.

When I switched my cell on I had 4 new voice mails and 6 text messages, opening up the texts the majority of them were from Maura, asking if I would call her or answer her texts. There were two from Frost asking where I was. The voice mails were again two from Maura, one was from last night asking to call her because we needed to talk, and one from today asking if I was ok, she was worried because I wasn't in work. Korsak had left one asking to call him and there was one from my Mother. "**Jane it's your mother why aren't you answering your phone. What have you done to Maura?. I came home from a lovely evening with Sean to find Maura crying. I don't know what you have done Maura won't say, but you better fix it. You better apologise and make it better. I want it done by Sunday because you are not getting out of family dinner".**

'Great, just what I need. Why was it always me who has done something' I thought as I deleted all the messages. After grabbing a beer from the fridge I sat down, thinking about the last few days. About what Casey had said, what had happened at Maura's and what my mother had said. I took another mouthful of beer as the tears began to fall. As I brought the bottle from my mouth my cell vibrated, I had a new text, it was Maura.

**Jane, I know you must be angry, but please can you contact me. I'm sorry, I'm worried about you. You weren't in work today, I couldn't get in your apartment today, something was stopping the door from opening. Please just let me know you're ok please, also Jo is here, you left her yesterday. You can pick her up on Sunday when you come for dinner. Love Maura x.**

I had to read the message a couple of times before I could decide what to reply. My thoughts were wondering, I Should have realised that Maura would come round, but at least the chain and the chair had done their jobs they had stopped anyone coming in. I drank the last of the beer before replying to Maura.

**Hey Maura I'm ok, not angry, no need to worry. Sorry about Jo she likes being at your house better than here. Jane.**

Whilst I was grabbing another beer, realising it was the last one I had, my cell vibrated again.

**Jane I'm sure Jo would prefer to be with you, but she can stay as long as you like. Please can we talk, I want to apologise, explain about last night. I can come over now, I would like to see you, make sure you're ok nobody knew where you were today and it's not like you. Love Maura x**

I didn't want Maura coming over, even though I had slept for over twelve hours I still felt exhausted and I really didn't want to talk. I needed time and space to sort my thoughts out. I knew I would have to lie to Maura, if she knew the truth it would just hurt Maura and that was the last thing I wanted, a small lie would solve the issue of not being in work and preventing Maura coming over.

**Maura I'm fine really, it's not a good idea you coming over, I have a stomach flu that's why I wasn't in work. You shouldn't come over in case you catch it. I'm just going to go to bed. The sleep will do me good thank you about Jo. Jane.**

Within seconds Maura had replied.

**I understand Jane; I hope you feel better soon. I could have brought you some soup, but your correct sleep will be beneficial for your recovery. Please call if you need anything, I'm always here for you. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Love Maura x**

I couldn't help the loud groan escaping when I read the text; I knew Maura didn't believe me. What annoyed me, the most was the call if you need me, I had needed Maura earlier in the week and she had ignored me, but now she was offering her help, was it Maura's guilty conscious I really didn't know, it was too confusing to go from being blatantly ignored by Maura to her practically stalking me. I finished the beer and headed to the bedroom, I decided I was going to try and sleep. After undressing and putting on my t-shirt and shorts on, I climbed under the comforter and quickly fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**_

_As I approach the porch I remove my Glock handgun from my holster I take the safety catch off. I have it held in the usual position tightly grasped in both hands, my small led flashlight held alongside my gun. I take the two steps up onto the porch, and make my way to the back door. I check through the window on the door and see no movement. I try the door knob, it's unlocked and the door silently swings open, I go to step through the door, I have a quick look around the kitchen, it's empty. There is a door in front of me; I know it leads into the basement. My gut is telling me that she's down there. Catherine Cordell is down there, I have to ignore the thoughts that I am too late. I open the Basement door slowly, there is a slight noise from the hinges, I pause listening for any movement, I can hear muffled sounds, as though someone is struggling against a gag. I can see the basement is lit by a dull bulb; I slowly take the steps down to the basement turning my head and the scope of my gun to check for anyone being in the basement. As I approach the last few steps, I can see under the staircase is a row of shelving, in the far corner of the basement is a mattress on the floor, a blonde haired woman is lying on the mattress. Her wrists and ankles are tapped, along with her mouth, she's alive, she's moving but I'm not close enough to identify who it is. I'm sure it's Catherine. I take a few steps closer panning my gun and flashlight around the room, checking to make sure it's safe. I take another few steps, the woman has lifted her head off the mattress, she is looking at me, she's making noises and struggling why is she struggling, I'm not a threat. I hear a noise from behind the shelving, all of a sudden everything goes black, I pass out, I feel nothing. I slowly come round; I can feel pain in the back of my head. I try to move, but I can feel someone pinning my wrists down. There is a heavy weight on my pelvis; I can feel cold damp earth beneath me I can't move. I open my eyes and he's straddling me, Charles Hoyt has me. Looking down and smiling at me "Your awake Jane. Look over there Jane. See who else I have, I didn't want you to be alone". I slowly turn my head, lying on the mattress isn't Catherine, its Maura. She's looking at me, her eyes are pleading with me to help her. I can see the fear on her face, I struggle. I try to get Hoyt off me; I buck my hips and try to thrash my arms. When I move I feel nauseous, my head is painful and I keep going dizzy. I try to fight back; I scream at him "No Hoyt, don't you touch her, let her go". Hoyt laughs "I win Jane, you and Dr Isles are mine now". I feel my right wrist being released from the deathly grip. I start to hit Hoyt, he's too strong, he hits me in the face, stunning me for a moment. I look back at him and he has a scalpel in his hand, it's raised above his head, before I can react he brings the scalpel down and stabs it through the palm of my left hand, I feel it go all the way through my hand. I bite my tongue with the pain, tears fill my eyes, I refuse to scream, I refuse to show the pain. I look across to Maura, she's sobbing, she's trying to free herself of her restraints. My left wrist is released; I try to free my hand but its pinned into the dirt by the scalpel. I can't free it. Hoyt has my right wrist gripped, out of the corner of my eye, I see him bringing another scalpel down into my right hand. I try to react but I'm too late, it's already gone through the palm of my right hand and into the ground. I lose consciousness I don't know how long I am unconscious for. I awake, I turn my head to look at Maura but I'm too late. I can see the blood pumping from her neck, she is still alive. As I look at her, I can see her slipping away; I can see the life seeping out of her. I'm screaming at her to stay, telling her I'm sorry, telling her not to leave, telling her I need her, that I love her, but I'm too late her eyes close and she's gone, my best friend is dead. _

My eyes shot open my breathing was fast, my body drenched in sweat, my heart was racing. I tried to calm my breathing but the feeling of fear and panic was overwhelming. I sat up and felt a sudden wave of nausea. Quickly I made my way to the bathroom making it to the toilet before vomiting violently, after vomiting my breathing was getting quicker and quicker my heart felt as though it was going to explode from my chest. I couldn't get it under control, I was trying to, but nothing was working even telling myself it was a nightmare and that everything was fine, Maura was fine, I just couldn't get myself to believe it. Then I heard it, Hoyts voice "I plan to kill her, psychically kill her" the phrase Hoyt had said to Maura about me during her interview of Hoyt on the James and Emily Stern case. I began to sob as I sat on the cold bathroom floor bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my knees lowering my head onto them. I was still hyperventilating, my whole body was shaking as I tried to reassure and calm myself, it was almost as though my brain was split in two, one side of the brain was telling me it was a nightmare, Hoyt was dead he couldn't hurt me or Maura. The other side of the brain was telling me, I needed to call Maura, or go see her make sure she was ok. it was battle of the two sides of the brain and the more they battled the more I cried and hyperventilated.

I don't know how long I spent in that position on the bathroom floor battling the thoughts in my mind, battling the fear and panic and battling to control my breathing, time just seemed to have stood still. When I finally regained power over everything and my breathing had returned to normal, I slowly got off the floor my legs were stiff and the paresthesia in my legs was almost unbearable. I realised I needed a shower; my body was chilled from the sweat of the nightmare and the panic. I didn't know what I was going to do after the shower; the only thing I knew was that I wouldn't be sleeping again tonight.

I walked into the kitchen of my apartment, the shower and clean sweatpants and t-shirt had warmed my cold body but my mind wasn't any clearer. I had an overwhelming feeling of agitation and restlessness , I didn't know what I wanted, what I needed, I reverted back to my old habit when I'm agitated and need to clear my mind and think, I paced. Walking back and forth the whole length of the apartment, just trying to settle myself and clear my mind but I couldn't. My mind was racing; Casey's voice was ringing in my head. DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND YOU? YOU'RE TOXIC. THEY ONLY STICK AROUND, OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY. WITHOUT ME YOU HAVE NO ONE JANE. NO ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO END UP A SAD LONELY OLD WOMAN. DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE STICK AROUND THEY PITY YOU JANE? YOU'RE SHIT AT RELATIONSHIPS EVERY TIME YOU FUCK IT UP. I thought about Maura's words, "How do I survive without my best friend". The look of hurt on Maura's face when my father had said can we not do this in front of people. Casey was right all I had to do was think about Maura's actions this week, the lack of contact the broken promise and Frankie, maybe Hoyt was right, he may be dead but the power he had over me was killing me psychically. I had to get out of the apartment; I felt like I was suffocating, I needed to do something to keep busy. I really wanted to call Maura or go over to her house, but those thoughts terrified me what if she didn't answer her cell or the door that would destroy me, no I had to take control. I had to take a step back and think about the relationships in my life, were they all based on pity?, was I toxic?. I decided I needed to get changed and go to work at least at work I had mountains of paper work and that would keep me busy, maybe not take my mind off everything but it would distract me and I had to make up the work I missed yesterday.

It was a little after 2am when I walked into the station, after making my way to my desk via the coffee machine I looked at my desk and seen the amount of paper work I had on the desk, there was enough to keep me busy for a week. I sat at my desk put the mug of coffee down; put my headphones from my IPod in my ears. I decided a bit of Led Zeppelin might help my mood. I looked around the bullpen and thankfully it was deserted, after putting my cell on the desk I started on the files. I stayed in that position for hours listening to music and going through all the files. I was aware of the changes in the office, the light changing, people coming and going but no one approached me. The only time I left my desk was for the printer, the coffee machine or the bathroom. I was aware of my cell illuminating once and I knew I had received a text but I ignored it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to encase myself in my own little world alone without the fear of being hurt of hurting anyone. A few hours later as I stood to ease the pain in my back, my cell flashed again my mother was calling I ignored it. The last thing I wanted was to speak to her, not after the last message she had left. After getting another cup of coffee I sat back down at my desk and picked up the cell. I was surprised that the cell showed the time was 7pm, it meant I had been at work for 17 hours, but I wasn't ready to go home, not yet, I wanted to finish at least another two files, the piles of files had dramatically reduced from when I arrived in work all those hours ago, sighing I clicked on the cell to listen to the voicemail.

"**Jane it's your mother, I haven't heard from you, and you haven't sorted out the mess you caused with Maura, dinner will be at 5pm tomorrow YOU WILL BE THERE and I expect you to apologise to Maura.**

That was enough to aggravate me, I immediately deleted the message, and it also compounded the thoughts that everything really was my fault. I thought that maybe it would have been better for everyone if Korsak hadn't rescued me, that Hoyt had killed me in that basement, I pushed that thought away as I opened up the text, it was Maura sent 3 hours ago.

**Jane just wanted to see if you were feeling better after your stomach flu. I wondered if you wanted to do something tonight. I could come over or you could come here. Speak soon Love Maura xx**

God does she not take a hint, she hardly speaks to me for a week and then all of a sudden she's pushing to talk and meet as though nothing's happened I thought.

**Stomach feels fine, sorry not tonight I'm already out and not going to be back till late but thank you. Jane**

It wasn't technically a lie my stomach was fine. Though I had no appetite and I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten, and I was out, just not in the sense that Maura would think. Maura's reply arrived within minutes.

**Glad you're feeling better Jane it would have been nice to spend some time together, but I'll see you tomorrow at dinner we can talk after everyone's gone. I miss you xxx**

After reading the reply I put the cell down and went back to work. It was after 11pm when I finally left the station, after getting home I took a quick shower and went to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

I pulled up outside of Maura's house, but didn't get out of the car, my palms were sweating against the wheel and I could feel the panic building inside, could I do this, could I pretend everything was fine. I sat with my head against the wheel and closed my eyes I tried to calm my elevated heart rate and my rapid breaths. I realised I was starting to panic, when did I start having panic attacks.

'Come on Rizzoli, you're a badass, you can do this, just put on your detective mask, eat and get out there' I repeated to myself over and over.

I must have sat like that for over ten minutes before I let out a deep breath and told myself that I could do it.

I exited the car and slowly made my way up the driveway towards the house, suddenly I heard a loud bang, it sounded like a gunshot, it was actually a car backfiring but the second I heard that noise I was transported back into that basement, pinned down on the dirt floor by the scalpels in my hands, Hoyt sitting on me poised with a scalpel ready to attack my throat, and Korsak shooting Hoyt, the flashback merged into my nightmare of Maura lying there dead on that mattress. I could feel the pounding of my heart in my chest, I felt light headed and a shake took over my body. The panic grew rapidly; I tried to shake my head to rid myself of it. I looked at my hands they were shaking. Casey's voice broke through my thoughts "THEY PITY YOU BECAUSE YOU GOT ATTACKED BY A SERIAL KILLER YOU DON'T OFFER ANYTHING TO ANYONE ONE ".

I tried to control the panic, tried to fight the fear, the thoughts. I could feel the nausea rising in my throat, I tried to calm down, to fight the feeling of running, my fight verses flight response was taking over everything else, and the need to run was overwhelming so I did. I quickly turned back towards the car, I practically sprinted back to the relative safety of my unmarked car, before I got back into the car the nausea won and I vomited on the road. I finished vomiting, got into the car and drove off as fast as I could the need to escape the situation overwhelming me.

I was unaware at the time, that the whole episode had been witnessed by Maura who had been watching from a window, she had seen the whole thing from me arriving to leaving.

I drove a few miles before I had to pull over to the side of the road. My emotions took over, I cried until I could cry no more by which time the panic had subsided. I sat there for at least five minutes, trying to decide what to do next, where to go. Eventually the need to be occupied won so I headed back to the station.

I pulled up outside the station, as I was about to exit the car my cell started vibrating, looking at the screen I seen Lieutenant Cavanagh's name, I took a deep breath and answered.

"Rizzoli"

"Jane it's your mother" to say I was surprised was an understatement and to be honest it annoyed me that ma had used Cavanagh's cell to call me.

"Ma, what you doing calling me on Cavanagh's cell" I couldn't help the annoyance sneaking into my voice and I knew she heard that by her reply. I also knew she was angry by her tone.

"Well, if I'd called on mine would you have answered" she bit back.

By this time I was starting to lose my patience I just wanted the call finished so that I could get back to the bullpen.

"What you want ma, I'm kinda busy".

"I want to know why you turn Sunday dinner into a circus." What was my mother going on about, I hadn't had Sunday dinner never mind turned it into a circus, but before I could answer she started talking again.

"To busy to stay for dinner, Jane. Do you have any idea what you have done" she almost shouted at me.

Her tone and her words didn't just annoy me, they were making me angry, I didn't need this from my mother.

"Ma I haven't done anything, I'm not even at dinner so how could I turn it into a circus, was there anything else because I need to go."

"What's the matter with you Jane, I ask you to do one little thing for your mother and you can't do it, I swear to god Jane if you don't fix this"

"Fix what ma" I shouted back, "what am I supposed to fix, I haven't done anything except not have Sunday dinner so help me out here".

"Firstly girly, you need to start acting like a grown up, you need to get your ass over here and speak to Maura and fix whatever you have done, I know you came here today Maura saw you, she also saw you run off, and because of that she's now upstairs in her room and won't have dinner so now none of us are eating."

"Hey, how is that my fault that you're not having dinner, it's not my fault Maura's in her room and it doesn't stop you and everyone else eating"

"No Jane were not eating because of what you did. Frankie left as well so it's only me and Sean left, and it is your fault Jane you have been awful to Maura these past few days, don't think I don't know what's been going on Frankie told me all about you storming off the other night when Maura tried to talk to you and he told me about how you shouted at him. Rizzoli's don't turn their back on family and Maura's family she's like my daughter to. I won't stand by and let you hurt her; she's supposed to be your best friend. I'm sure Charles will have something to say about your behaviour when you tell him".

I was furious I didn't want to speak to my mother anymore and what the hell had Frankie said to my mother.

"Really ma, Really, I don't know what the hell Frankie has been telling you, and to be honest I don't care, because I'm done. Done with Frankie. Done with Maura and done with you, as for Casey I won't be telling him anything because I called off the engagement ma so it's none of his business, in fact it's nobody's business and I'm your daughter your flesh and blood damn it. It would be nice if you stuck up for me for once instead of blaming me all the time". I was shouting so loud that a uniform passing the car actually turned back to look at me.

There was silence on the other end of the line, for once my mother was silent, I took a deep breath before I spoke again.

"Ma"

I tried again "Ma"

"I'm not talking to you Jane" she snapped back.

"For the love of Pete, how can you not be talking to me if you're talking to me, do you hear yourself"?.

I'd had enough of this conversation and I'd had enough of my family, it was time to lay my cards on the table, so before my mother could answer I got in first.

"Do you know what ma, thanks for the support but I give up, if the only thing your gonna do ma is blame me for everything and try and guilt trip me, then don't talk to me again, don't text me, don't visit because I'm done ma, I'm done ok. I gotta go bye ma".

With that I ended the call at that minute, I really didn't care if I spoke to my mother or brother again, the call had me so wound up and angry that I knew heading straight up to my desk would do no good, I couldn't go for a drink because I was on call from midnight. So instead I headed to the BPD gym, at least a good work out might calm me down and get out all my frustrations.

After I changed into my gym clothes I spent almost 2 hours down there, I ran on the treadmill, trying to burn off the anger. When that didn't work I turned my attention to the punch bags, every punch I threw, I tried to get out an ounce of the anger, by the time I had finished I was physically exhausted from the work out. I hadn't slept in over 27 hours but I knew if I was to go home I wouldn't sleep, even though I was tired my mind was still in over drive. I decided to shower and change my clothes before heading back upstairs. I knew I would have to sleep soon, but I remembered Maura telling me years ago that you could go 4 days before you started suffering hallucinations, slurred speech and short attention span, so I knew I would be ok for another few hours.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

The rest of the night was uneventful; I continued working through my partner's paperwork, until 4am when I received a call from dispatch to notify me of a body.

Dispatch notified me that the body was located a block and a half from the station and that paramedics were in attendance, but there was nothing they could do, the person was already deceased on their arrival.

I grabbed my jacket and decided to walk to the scene it would give me chance to clear my head and the fresh air would waken me up a bit.

I was the first to arrive at the scene, within a couple of minutes a few uniforms arrived, I asked them to secure the scene and I went off to speak to the paramedic's and witnesses and have a look at the body, without touching it of course. Maura would be unhappy if anyone touched the body.

Frost and Korsak arrived on scene within 40 minutes of my arrival; I quickly and briefly brought them up to date. After I had finished informing them of the details, Korsak asked me how long I had been at the scene. I told him not long, he didn't need to know I had been at the station all night. Korsak probably already knew by the amount of work I had already done at the scene.

I was observing the CSRU's when I saw Maura approaching the body. Maura looked at me and curtly said "Jane". I just looked at the doctor hurt flashing across my face, Frost and Korsak looked amazed at Maura's greeting.

It took me a second to recover and compose myself before I started giving Maura, Korsak and Frost the full details in my best calm and composed voice "Victim is 30 year old Terry Cole witness found him collapsed on the street, at approximately 3.45am. His business partner Martin Robson found him in the car lot approximately an hour after he left the club .Paramedics were called but Mr Cole was already deceased. I've spoken to Mr Robson tried to get information but I'm not liking him. Something's off with him, he's defensive, vague and aggressive even when asking him simple questions. I want to look further into him when I get back to the station". Frost and Korsak looked at me nodding, before either could say anything Maura glared at me "well Detective .That's probably because he doesn't like being badgered".

I was shocked for a second before a slight tinge of anger hit me, why did Maura say that and what did I do to deserve that. "Badger, is that how you describe how I do my job Maura. Well thanks for the support. Korsak, Frost if you need me I'll be at the station badgering witnesses. I'm sure when you get back you can fill me in on Dr Isle's findings". I needed to get out of there, before I became upset. I couldn't believe Maura had spoken to me like that. I lowered my head and started to walk away. I stopped abruptly when I heard Maura calling me. "Jane autopsy in 2 hours if you're not too busy or if you're not running away from something". I had to fight the lump building in my throat, what did Maura mean by that. I could have replied made some sarcastic comment or I could have fought back, but that would have meant saying something that could hurt Maura. I couldn't, wouldn't hurt her again. I would take whatever she threw at me and not fight back, and maybe I deserved her anger. I promised myself I would never say anything to hurt her, I loved and cared about her too much even if I meant nothing to her.

I didn't look back I didn't want to see Maura, I was still fighting the tears that were collecting in my eyes, I kept my head down and started walking as quickly as I could back to the station. If I hadn't felt hurt by Maura before the weekend, then I suddenly did now.

I had been back in the bullpen for about an hour when my partners returned, I had already set up the murder board and done all the preliminary work. I received a text from Maura a while later to say she had started the autopsy and I was expected to attend.

I headed down to the Morgue, I really didn't want to see Maura, I was still hurt and angry from her previous comments, but I needed a cause of death to move the case forward. I had tried to send Frost but Korsak had told me I had to go because I was the lead investigator and Frost had background checks to run on the victim. I stepped out of the elevator and made my way to the doors of the morgue. I stopped for a minute, and took a deep breath to compose myself, as I looked into the morgue I could see Maura was still in the middle of the autopsy. I slowly pushed the doors open and stepped into the morgue stopping just inside of the room. Maura appeared to have not heard me enter or if she had she was ignoring me. I took another deep breath willing myself to stay calm and act normal.

"Maura, you got anything" my voice betrayed me it was full of apprehension. There was no response.

"Maura" I said louder.

Maura looked up from the body and looked at me, she would see that I wasn't my usual self that I looked tired, stressed and vulnerable. Maura knew me better then anyone, but the doctor didn't comment on my appearance.

"Sorry Detective, I didn't hear you enter" she answered, her voice flat but calm, she was showing no emotion, she was being her queen of the dead professional self.

I couldn't take much more of Maura's attitude and behaviour as much as I was hurting, I needed to try and get some assemblance of normality, or at least find out what I had done to deserve the queen of the dead persona.

"Your acting weird Maura" I tried to keep my voice as normal as possible.

"Excuse me?" her reply indicating the annoyance she was obviously feeling, I tried again, I needed to try and break through the barriers she had obviously assembled when it came to me.

"What's going on Maura, what was that all about at the crime scene. Why are you calling me detective" I felt as though I was almost pleading, I had so many questions about the earlier events and I needed answers.

I realised by Maura's response, that she obviously didn't realise or she just didn't care. "That's your title, isn't it. As for the attitude, I'm being professional. Now how can I help you detective?".

I was obviously not getting anywhere with the ME, she gave me no explanation about the events at the crime scene. I decided just to get the information I needed and get out of there, I didn't need this, not now, not ever especially from my best friend. Should it be former best friend I wasn't sure but if the doctor wanted professionalism that was what she was going to get.

"Fine Dr Isles, can you tell me your findings from the autopsy please."

Maura started telling me her preliminary findings "Fingerprints have confirmed the identity of the victim, we found small amounts of trace evidence on the body, a hair with root ball intact, and we also found a cotton fibre. Stomach contents revealed that his last meal consisted of a salad, there was also tequila. As of yet no conclusive cause of death, but the decreased did suffer a respiratory arrest event, but the cause of that event is unknown. I'm still awaiting toxicology reports, the victim appeared to be in relative good health", Returning to the body as she finished.

"So Dr Isles is it a homicide?" I asked. I knew what the response would be but I needed some indication of the manner of death.

I should have realised the response I would get "I'm sorry detective, but that sounds very much like an assumption, and I don't assume. I will know more when the toxicology screen is completed" I could hear the distain in her voice.

I was frustrated "Right well, while you're waiting on the tox screen I'm going to go look around the club Mr Cole and his partner owned. I need to question Robson some more, see if I can't find something" It was more of a thought I had, then actually a statement to Maura, but she picked up on it and it gave her another opportunity to berate me.

"We don't even know what happened here? Detective"

I shuffled from one foot to the other "So your hoping it's natural causes"I challenged.

"Are you hoping it was murder?" I could tell by Maura's attitude that this was going to quickly become an altercation and I didn't care, I had taken enough crap off my former friend today.

"I'm doing my job like I always do, Maura, why don't you do yours" I swiftly responded, not keeping the agitation out of my voice.

My reaction seemed to take the doctor by surprise, she hesitated for a moment before she responded "I am doing my job, detective and as the medical examiner it's my job to determine the cause and manor of death. So I'll tell you if there's a case here or not", her tone had gotten harsher the more she said.

I needed to get my emotions in check, if I didn't it would have turned into a full blown argument and that was the last thing I wanted, I was irked and I let Maura know that "Maybe I'll just figure it out for myself, maybe you could send your findings to my team, when you have them, in the mean time I'll leave you to do your job and I'll just go and do my gumshoe thing. Have a nice day Dr Isles". With that I turned ready to walk out, but I stopped I had one more thing I had to say, I softened my voice "I'm not the enemy Maura" I left.

The autopsy was useless I thought to myself, how was I supposed to do my job if we didn't even know the manner of death, normally Maura would have given me something to work on but not today, she was acting so distant. Her Attitude reminded me of when she wasn't speaking to me after the warehouse shooting, I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere and maybe it was time for me to accept that it appeared our friendship was over.

**A/N In this chapter and in a couple more chapters it appears that I have written Maura OOC but I really haven't there is reasons behind Maura's attitude and this will all be revealed over time so please be patient.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

After leaving the morgue, I decided I needed a break. I needed coffee and food. I had realised that the last time I had ate something other than chips and candy had been Thursday.

I was feeling terrible, the combination of lack of food and sleep and the emotional turmoil I was going through it was no wonder I was feeling ill. I couldn't let it affect my job; I couldn't let other people see there was anything wrong. I sent a quick text to Frost to tell him I was stepping out for a bit.

I found myself sitting in a dinner just down the block from the station, the breakfast I had ordered was sitting in front of me relatively untouched, I had taken a few mouthfuls before I felt nauseous and couldn't eat anymore.

I was deep in thought going over the events of the last few hours, the case and Maura. Trying to figure out why she was acting the way she was, what had I done to deserve it, I couldn't come up with anything.

I was surprised when I felt a hand on my arm, it roused me from my daze, I looked up and Frost was sitting opposite me a look of concern on his face.

"Where did you go Jane?"

"What?" I answered confused.

Frost smiled, "I've been sitting here for five minutes and you never noticed".

"Sorry Frost, I was just thinking" I replied as I looked at him.

The concern from Frost was back "About Maura?"

I nodded.

"You OK, you wanna talk about it? Jane"

I shook my head no; the lump in my throat prevented me from answering.

Frost fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat "I can understand that, I've never seen Maura act like that with you since Doyle, I don't just mean this morning I've noticed the difference in her for over a week. Has something happened?"

I looked at Frost, he was concerned about me I didn't want to go into details but he deserved some sort of explanation. "I don't know what's happened, but its worse than Doyle I get the impression from this morning that our friendships over, I've been replaced. It's not just Maura its Casey, Frankie and Ma as well. Can we not talk about this anymore Frost". If I had continued talking about it I would have ended up an emotional mess and I couldn't afford to that right now, not with a case.

"Sure Jane, but you know where I am where I am if you need to talk, you know I wont judge right?"

I nodded "Yeah I know Frost, thanks. How did you know I would be here?" I was puzzled as how he knew I would be here.

Frost laughed "Well it wasn't hard, after this morning I didn't think you'd be in the café, or Boston Joe's in case you ran into Maura, the Robber isn't open yet so that left this place. I take it the foods not great today". As he pointed towards my plate.

I laughed "Am I that predictable?, nah the foods fine, just not much of an appetite today".

He nodded "You are a creature of habit Jane. So how did the autopsy go, Dr Isles find anything". I was relieved that the subject was changing back to work.

"The autopsy showed our Vic died of a respiratory arrest but no cause for it yet, Dr Isles is waiting on toxicology results, she won't say if it's suspicious, you know what she's like. My gut is telling me it's a homicide and his partner had something to do with it" I replied.

"Yeah, I agree Jane. Something isn't right with this case. How about we go look round this club that Mr Cole owned and we could ask Martin Robson a few more questions".

I nodded and we both got up, I threw a few bills down on the table to cover my breakfast and we left.

The look around the club and our chat with the deceased's partner Mr Robson didn't reveal anything new, the only thing I thought out of place was one of the back rooms had been converted into a hot room, filled with botany books, heat lamps and daylight lamps, growing in that room where a variety of what I could only presume were exotic plants, except for what looked like carrots. On a hunch I took photographs of the room and the plants, Mr Robson indicated that this was his room.

The rest of the day yielded no leads, the toxicology results that Maura text to Korsak along with the autopsy report failed to find any reason for Mr Cole's respiratory arrest. This case was going nowhere and we still didn't know if it was a homicide. It had hurt like hell that Maura had sent Korsak the results, I was the lead investigator on the case, it was also an indication to me that Maura did have a problem with me; it seemed to me that it was another sign of our friendship being over and it broke my heart. Maura's text also raised questions with my partners I could tell by the look they both gave me, but neither of them said anything, I was grateful for that.

Frost and Korsak went home around 5pm, but I decided I was going to stay. I wanted to check out the club photographs and I wanted to do a full background on Martin Robson, and check out the clubs finances, something still wasn't adding up on the case.

A few hours later I had discovered that Martin Robson had a degree in botany specialising in phytochemistry (the study of plant biochemistry including toxins) and that the carrot like plants growing in the back of the club was actually Hemlock.

I needed the forensic lab to run a tox screen for hemlock, maybe that was the cause of death, it would explain the respiratory arrest, I had used Google to find out the symptoms. I decided to head down to the lab and get the tox panel run, hoping that Maura had already left for the day.

I arrived down in Morgue area and noticed that Maura's office door was closed but through the open blinds I could see her working, I decided to see if anyone else was available to run the test for me, the last thing I wanted was more aggravation from the doctor. Luck was on my side I spotted Susie working in the crime lab and decided to approach her with my request.

I entered the lab and Susie was looking at something through the Microscope and hadn't heard me.

"hey Susie".

"Hello Detective, can I help you with something" as she looked up from the microscope.

I walked to the other side of the counter she was standing at, so I was face to face with her.

"Susie, the tox screen you ran on our Vic Terry Cole, it showed no poisons in his system right".

"Correct Detective, the toxicology panel was clear your victim was not poisoned"

"Damn it, ok can you run the test again, but this time check for hemlock."

"Detective I can check for Conium maculatum, but you need Dr Isles to authorise the test and you should discuss this with her"

"Susie, Dr Isles isn't here and I need the test done now, you're the senior criminologist I thought you could help me out here. I'm on a deadline to catch a killer."

"Actually Detective we don't know that there is a killer. Dr Isles hasn't confirmed if the deceased was murdered, however Dr Isles is in her office, I'm positive it would only take you a minute to speak to her and get the authorisation."

"For the love of Pete, can you do the test or not". My frustration growing Susie could almost be a mini Maura at times.

"Yes but I still require Dr Isles Authorisation".

"God. Susie. Can you as senior criminologist get Dr Isles permission to run the test then send me the results. Yes or no." I needed this test done and to be out of the lab in case Maura came in.

"Well yes detective but…."

"Thank you Susie, I'll expect the results in a few hours, okay, bye" I quickly left the lab before Susie could say anything else I just hoped she would run the panel I wanted.

It took a couple of hours for the toxicology results to come back; thankfully I didn't hear from Maura, it was Susie who notified me. While I had been waiting for the results I had run the financial background for the club and discovered that it was in serious debt. I also discovered that Terry Cole had a substantial life insurance policy and the benefactor was no other that Martin Robson, the amount of the policy would have more than covered the debt the club had.

I was putting all the information together, there was certainly enough evidence to bring Mr Robson in for questioning, when I suddenly remembered something that Robson had said when I asked him about Terry Cole's stomach contents. Martin Robson had commented that Cole always had a salad at work and that Robson himself made it. It made me realise that the club security footage actually showed Robson making the salad; it also showed him grinding up seeds and sprinkling it in the salad. Hemlock poisoning was caused by the seeds from the plant. I went back to the video footage we had collected and there was a weeks' worth of it, I went over every day looking for Robson making the salad, every time he sprinkled ground up seeds in the salad, it was then I spotted the hemlock plant on the corner of the kitchen counter. I went back over the footage and I had it a few days before Cole's death, there was footage of Robson taking seeds off the Hemlock I had him and I had enough to arrest him.

It was 3am when I had enough for the arrest, I had to make a decision, do I go and make the arrest myself, or do I wait until Frost and Korsak come in, in the morning. I knew Robson would be leaving the club soon, I also knew that if I left the arrest until later in the day, Robson could run. I decided I would make the arrest, I knew going in alone for an arrest was against police protocol, but I didn't care, I didn't see the danger, Robson didn't appear to be dangerous and I could have it all wrapped up by the time my partners came into work.

That was exactly what I did, I drove down to the club and cornered Robson as he left the club, it was a straight forward take down, the only minor setback was he slightly resisted arrest and managed to punch me in the mouth, he split my lip. I was still able to overpower him and get him in cuffs without having to throw a punch of my own. I felt good, the pain from the punch and my split lip actually took the emotional pain away for a while, and it was a relief. The arrest was clean and I had solved the case on my own all I needed was the confession, which when I interviewed him an hour later he confessed. By the time Frost and Korsak entered the bullpen I had closed the case and completed the paperwork and I was leaning back in my chair smiling like a Cheshire cat.

The smile on my face didn't last long Frost and especially Korsak were furious with me. Korsak actually shouted at me and called me reckless amongst other things. I couldn't believe that they were so angry and couldn't see what a good job I had done. I never expect them to thank me for closing the case, I just thought they would be happy that the case was closed. Halfway through their rant I got up from my desk and left, I was angry, I felt cornered and I had to just get out of there I didn't know where I was going to go. I stepped out of the elevator into the reception area of BPD, took a few steps and stopped dead in my tracks, I don't know why, but as I exited the elevator my eyes wandered into the café. Maybe it was a force of habit or maybe I sensed something, but what I saw was enough to stop me. At the window in the café getting coffee was Maura, Frankie and my mother, they were huddled together talking. For some reason, maybe they sensed me but they all looked up at the same time, stopped talking and stared at me. My heart stopped for a moment as I tried to will myself to stop looking and start walking again, but I couldn't take my eyes off them or the look on their faces. I couldn't identify the look, maybe it was guilt, distain, pity or hate I don't know, within seconds but felt like hours they turned away and went, I think back to their conversation. It took me a few moments before I was able to get my body to start walking again, but I did, I had to lower my head and look at the ground as I walked off to prevent the people in the area seeing the tears, I had never felt so ostracised in my life. I realised in that moment I really was alone, I also realised I had never cried so much in my life as I had over the last five days, I remembered thinking to myself what the hell was wrong with me I was never this emotional.

I ended up walking to the local park and sitting on a bench in a quiet secluded area for what seemed hours, but was actually only an hour by which time I had managed to compose myself enough to head back to the station. I thought I was prepared for what the rest of the day would bring, but I wasn't I had no clue. Had I been thinking clearly I would have called in and had the rest of the day off and tried to eat and sleep. After all I had been working officially non-stop since 4am Monday Morning. But I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't thinking at all, I was going through the motions, so instead I acted like I was normal and everything about my life was normal and headed back to work.

Stepping into the bullpen, _I_ realised my day was only going to get worse. Standing at my desk with her back to me was Maura; she was deep in conversation with Korsak. I heard a few words including my name, reckless and could have been killed so I knew they were talking about me. I quickly turned and left before they could see me and I headed to the bathroom. I knew I was being a chicken but the last thing I wanted was another confrontation with Maura, especially not in the bullpen, not in front of my colleagues. I had a feeling that Maura was there to see me, why else would she be there, we had no case and she didn't deliver results personally to the other detectives. I thought she was probably there to berate me for going through Susie to get the toxicology tests last night, it was the only reason I could think of. Just the thought of Maura speaking to me the way she did yesterday was enough to make me feel nauseous, I could feel the bile rising in my throat. The fact I hadn't eaten much and had drunk far too much coffee didn't help, but I felt I couldn't cope with being around Maura, I suppose I felt that she was going to say the words I had been dreading, we are over. Thinking them and hearing them are two very different things, but I knew they were coming; I just wasn't ready to hear them. The thought of those words made me ill, I became dizzy, light headed and needed to puke. I entered a stall, locked the door and knelt at the toilet just in time. After a few minutes I was dry heaving, but the dizziness and light headedness was subsiding. Eventually I felt well enough to leave the stall, sure that the nausea had passed. I didn't know that Maura was waiting in the bathroom and heard my vomiting until I opened the stall door and there she was.

Maura was standing next to the towel dispenser, her hands were over her stomach and she was wringing them, a sign I knew well that she was agitated or nervous. She didn't say anything she just looked at me. I looked at her, I could see anger and concern in her face, our eyes met, then I turned my head away and walked to the basin. I ran the cold water, splashing it over my face to freshen up; there was nothing but silence between us. I finished washing my face and looked up. Maura handed me a towel to dry with, she didn't say anything; "Thanks" my voice almost a whisper.

"Do you have any idea what you have done today Jane, do you have any idea what could have happened to you. Do you even care, did you think about what would have happened to the people who love you, to me, if something had gone wrong" her voice was low but I could tell she was irked.

I shook my head no. I hadn't thought about what could happen, but I also didn't want to be in an argument with Maura, I didn't want to do this. There should be a limit to how much crap one person can take in a day, it was only 10am and I had more than my limit.

Maura stepped forward and grabbed my chin, we were only inches apart, she turned my head so I was face to face with her and she brought her fingers up to touch my lip were I had been punched.

"You're extremely lucky you didn't need stitches to that wound; however I believe you will have a faint scar, but it could have been a lot worse Jane."

I stepped back and pulled my head back so that my chin was no longer in her grasp, "I'm fine "I uttered and turned to walk away. Suddenly there was pressure on my arm, Maura had my forearm in a vice like grip and she quickly spun me round so I was facing her, her face was flushed with anger.

"There you go Jane running away again; it seems to be a habit you have developed. I think you're avoiding, I think that's why, when you don't want to deal with something you run to avoid it. What are you avoiding Jane? or is that you have just become a coward? I don't mean in your professional life, because you are far from a coward at work. You're the complete opposite, your brave but your also stupid, there's a fine line between courage and stupidity Jane, and today you crossed that line you weren't just stupid you were reckless and one day your recklessness will get you killed. You may think your being 'badass ' but you're not your being stupid and reckless".

I visibly flinched and I know Maura would have seen it, I felt so weak and defenceless I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry, I have to get back to work" was all I could manage. My voice so weak and low that I didn't recognise it.

"Jane stop, don't walk away from me again" Maura's grip was so tight on my arm I was sure it would leave a bruise. I pulled my arm away and walked towards the door, before I opened the door I paused "I'm not running Maura, I'm just sick of being used as an emotional punch bag, these last few days every time you've seen me all you've done is try to argue with me. I don't want to argue with you, I'm so sick of it. I don't need it; I thought you were the one person I could rely on….. I'm walking away because I care about you and don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry if that makes me a coward". I had deliberately kept my voice neutral as I spoke.

I didn't give Maura a chance to respond; I didn't turn round and look at her. I just opened the bathroom door and left making my way back to my desk.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters I'm only borrowing them**

**A/N thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed and favoured this story I would like to explain that Maura's actions will be partly explained in a few chapters time, though it will be fully explained.**

As I approached my desk I noticed sergeant Korsak leaving the lieutenants office, Cavanagh following him. Within seconds I heard Cavanagh shouting across the bullpen "Rizzoli my office now".

As I passed Korsak he patted my shoulder his face full of sympathy or was it pity. I didn't really have much time to ponder it as by the time it registered in my brain I was already stepping foot inside the lieutenant's office.

"Shut the door Rizzoli" Cavanagh snapped.

I shut the door and walked towards the lieutenant's desk, I knew I was in trouble when he didn't invite me to take a seat, So I stood in front of his desk, my arms by my side like a naughty school girl standing in front of the principal, and I waited for him to start.

"Rizzoli I've been your lieutenant for nearly four years now, and in all those years I have never had to call your detective skills or your integrity into question. Not once have I had to consider disciplining you, until today. Do you know how much shit you are in Rizzoli". Cavanagh was angry the way he was looking at me and the tone of his voice; he had never spoken to me like that before.

"Sir" I answered quizzically, I knew I was in trouble for the arrest of Robson, but I decided to play dumb in case it was for something else.

"Don't act dumb Rizzoli; you know exactly what you've done. In just over twelve hours you have broken protocol not once but twice. I'm aware of your relationship with Dr Isles being somewhat strained, however that stunt you pulled in the crime lab with senior criminologist Chang was not only unprofessional but it broke protocol. I don't care if you are having relationship problems with a member of staff you follow the book, you should have still requested the test from Dr Isles do you understand".

"Yes sir" I quietly answered.

"Fortunately for you Dr Isles authorised the test so we are able to include it in the evidence, but if I ever hear of you pulling that stunt again you will be in some serious shit Rizzoli".

"Yes sir" I answered then it dawned on me if Maura had authorised the test then why was Cavanagh bringing the matter up and how did he know about it, unless Maura had told him and that was why she was in the bullpen earlier. I started to feel the anger rising in me; I needed to find out if she had betrayed me once again.

"I bet Dr Isles couldn't wait to come up here and tell you that I didn't ask her to run the damn test" I spat.

Cavanagh took a deep breath, shook his head and looked at me before speaking.

"First off Rizzoli, Dr Isles did not report you to me nor did any of her staff; however the incident was mentioned in a briefing on the case by Dr Isles to sergeant Korsak. It was Korsak who informed me, along with the more series matter of what happened earlier this morning. The reason why you're here and in so much shit, but before I even get started on that I want to tell you now, that Korsak came to me about these two incidents because he's worried about you we all are".

"Sir I'm fine no one needs to be worried I'm…." I never got to finish what I was going to say. Cavanagh was angry "I don't want to hear another word out of you Rizzoli do you understand, your gonna stand there and listen to every damn thing I say without saying another word do you understand" He shouted at me, I could only nod my head in agreement.

Cavanagh continued speaking to me with a raised voice. "What the hell were you thinking Rizzoli; I thought you would have learnt your lesson by now after Hoyt. You went in alone without back-up and look where that landed you and then you go and do it again. You go after a suspect alone, have you any idea what could have happened, your reckless Rizzoli and I don't know where your head is at the moment. I can't have one of my detectives going in alone because their reckless. You're a liability at the moment, you need to get your head straight and back in the game and you're not going to get that being here. Your off duty for the next five days, I don't want you anywhere near the station until Monday you got that Rizzoli, you got a suspension until then. I want you to use that time to take care of your business and get your head back in the game. Now hand over your badge and weapon. When you return you better be back to normal with your head out of your ass, you got that or I'll transfer you to evidence management permanently. Now get out of here".

Storming out of Cavanagh's office I scanned the bull-pen looking for Korsak I only seen Frost, I marched up to Frost "Frost where's Korsak" I snapped hardly managing to contain my anger.

Frost frowned, when he looked up his eyes were showing concern "He's down in the morgue, why what's up Jane are you ok?"

I strode out of the bullpen not answering him and made my way to the staircase. I didn't have time to wait for the elevator. I wanted to speak to Korsak now. I practically ran down the three flights of stairs and pushed the doors of the morgue open so hard they bounced off the walls causing both Korsak and Maura to quickly turn round I heard Korsak mutter to Maura "oh boy" .

Maura looked at me with concern and worry, before she could speak; I had walked within a few inches of Korsak.

"Thanks a lot Korsak, so much having my back", I spat.

"Jane I have your back"

"Yeah course you do that's why you went behind it to Cavanagh, I can't believe you did that. I trusted you Korsak, and you betrayed me, seems to be a pattern in my life at the moment". I couldn't contain my anger," looks like the only person who has my back is Frost"

"Jane come on were friends, I was only looking out for you" I could tell that Korsak was trying to plead with me to get me to understand but I was just to hurt and angry.

"NO Korsak were not friends, not any more, friends don't go behind your back and they don't go to the brass, you know what I don't need friends and I don't need you ok, thanks to you I'm off the job, so thanks for that." I was shouting at him by this time.

"Jane cut the tough guy bullshit. I know you're hurt. And I know you're angry, but come on I was just looking out for you. I didn't want anything to happen" he shouted back at me. This was quickly becoming an all-out argument with both of us shouting at each other and Maura standing by watching .

"Nothing did happen. Korsak it was a clean arrest I knew what I was doing".

"Jane I just didn't want to see you get hurt, you could have been killed then where would we be. "

"You'd be better off that's where you'd be, you'd all be better off" I answered before I could censor my response; I saw the look of shock on Korsak's and Maura's faces.

"Jane your angry you don't mean it, you have friends and family who love you for god's sake your just not thinking straight". Korsak pleaded.

"Jane please, nobody wants you to get hurt, I don't want you to get hurt, or killed, I need you Jane, sergeant Korsak was just looking out for you" Maura pleaded, tears filling her eyes.

I stayed quiet just looking at Maura I could see she was getting upset but the anger was controlling me and nothing was breaking the anger, no words or actions, normally thesight of Maura and her words would have got through to me but not today to much had happened these past few weeks for it break through.

"Come on Jane, Maura's right you just need to calm down, and think about it, I did what I had to do. I didn't want you being reckless and putting yourself in a situation where you couldn't get out of. The last time you went out on your own Hoyt happened, and if I hadn't of got there in time you would be dead Jane have you thought of that".

Turning towards the morgue doors I answered in a cold calm voice "Yeah well maybe I wish you hadn't been there. Maybe it would have been better if Hoyt had finished the job". I was done, not just with the conversation I felt defeated. As I opened the doors of the morgue and turned to head back to the stairs I could hear Maura calling out my name asking me to stop. I kept walking. Within minutes I was in the reception area of thestation, heading towards the exit. I didn't look into the café to see if ma was there I just wanted out of the station and away from everybody.

All I ever did was hurt the people I loved, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't do that to them anymore. They didn't deserve that. They deserved better Maura, my mother and brother, Korsak they all hated me.

After leaving the station and getting in my car I had decided I needed two things, I needed to sleep without nightmares and I also needed to numb all these emotions. To achieve my needs there was one solution. I needed alcohol, if I drunk enough it would make me feel numb and it would also allow me to either pass out or at least fall into a drunken stupor of a sleep. I realised on the ride home that there was another thing I needed to do, I still had Casey's engagement ring I needed to return it, I didn't want to keep it. I formulated a plan for the rest of the day I was going to go home, package up the ring, then stock up on alcohol before returning home and drinking copious amounts of the stuff.

When I arrived at the door to my apartment I went for my gun, as I normally did, it was then I realised didn't have it, I had handed it in. A sudden wave of panic rushed over me, how was I going to check out my apartment without my gun, how was I supposed to sleep without my weapon under my pillow. It took me a few minutes before the panic eased and I realised that I had my own gun locked away in the closet. The gun I had bought for myself after the first Hoyt attack, all I had to do was get in the apartment make sure it was safe, then get my weapon, then I would feel safe.

I opened my apartment door just wide enough to get my right arm in, and I reached inside and to the right where I knew the umbrella stand was that contained one of my hockey sticks, I grabbed it and pulled the stick out into the hallway where I stood. I gripped the stick with both hands raising it to chest level before I slowly opened the door fully. I stepped inside my apartment and quietly closed and locked the door, before I proceeded to walk through each room of the apartment with my hockey stick ready to strike anyone who should be in there, fortunately nobody was. I then went to the closet unlocked the safe and pulled out my gun, I checked that it was loaded before placing it in my holster and grabbing the gun licence that was in the safe. I was going to need that if I was going out with my weapon.

Several hours later and I was back sitting on the couch in my apartment, I had mailed Casey's ring back to him, visited the store and bought enough alcohol for a small frat party, there were several cases of beer in the fridge and a few bottles of Maura's favourite Irish whiskey sitting in the cupboard. I had developed a taste over the years to this type of whiskey; mainly because of Maura. We would often have it as a night cap. It was quite ironic that Maura enjoyed Irish whiskey seeing that she was the daughter of an Irish Mob boss and she liked the drink before she knew she had Irish blood in her.

After returning to my apartment I had indulged myself in several glasses of Whiskey, enjoying the burning sensation as it slipped down my throat. The whiskey had calmed me slightly, enough for me to head for a shower and change my clothes.

Returning to the coach after my shower I poured myself several more glasses of whiskey until I could feel myself ready to pass out, which at that point I stumbled into the bedroom before collapsing onto the bed.

The next few days were basically the same, I would wake up mid-morning after having a relatively good sleep, there were nightmares, these were the ones where Hoyt would be in my apartment either waiting for me when I entered my apartment or he would wake me up from my sleep. These nightmares frightened me and would wake me up panicked, but never to the extent of the ones where I am back in the basement and Hoyt has Maura. Don't get me wrong they were still terrifying but as long as I knew my apartment was secure with the locks, chain and chair in front of the door and I had my gun nearby I could deal with them.

After getting up I would head into the kitchen and grab a coffee then head to the couch and that's where I would stay for the rest of the day. I would sit in the quiet of the apartment thinking about everything that had happened and as soon as thinking got to upsetting I would start on the alcohol to numb the pain. I realised during those days that I really was a Rizzoli and that I took after my farther and Tommy both of them resorted to alcohol when things got tough and now I was.

There had been so many times during those few days that I had wanted to call Maura, to talk to her and try to clear the air, even if our friendship was over I still wanted to be able to have a working relationship with her. I wanted her to know that if she ever needed anything that I would still be there in whatever form she wanted. I had picked up my cell numerous times and scrolled to her name, my finger hovered over the call button but each time I hesitated as Casey's words came rushing back to me YOUR SELFISH JANE, DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND YOU, YOUR TOXIC, and I ended up putting my cell down and not calling. What would I say to her, what would she say to me and did I really want to hear her say that we weren't friends anymore, I was terrified of her telling me that, it would destroy me.

I had never in my life felt so conflicted, each thought and emotion I had was conflicted. The only way I could describe it was, when you were a child and you used to watch cartoons and in some of those cartoons would be a character and on one shoulder, he would have a devil and on the other he had an angel. Each telling the character the opposite to the other that was how I felt. I thought about the fact that since I left the station on Tuesday no one had called me or came to see me and that made me glad, as I didn't feel ready to face anyone, but it also made me upset that no had contacted me. It made me upset and hurt that it felt no one cared, no one had tried to reach out to me to see if I was ok and it really did hurt.

Everything was conflicted and I mean everything, I didn't want to leave my apartment, I wanted to stay locked away from the outside world, but then again staying locked up was making me restless and I wanted to get out. Casey was another conflict, I didn't love him and I hated what he had said to me but then if I had just said yes to the marriage proposal he would be here with me now and I wouldn't be alone. Casey was right "without me you have no one Jane. No one. You're going to end up a sad lonely old woman". That was already happening.

I was really ambivalent about Maura, I had known for years that I loved her, was in love with her, I was comfortable with that, but I also knew that it would never be reciprocated. She would never feel the same way. I still wanted Maura in my life, but I also couldn't be around watching her be happy with Frankie. It would hurt too much, but if Frankie made her happy then I should be happy. All I've ever wanted was for her to be happy. Maura's reactions over the last few days where to confusing and I couldn't understand them one minute she was acting like she hated me and then the next like on Tuesday in the bathroom and Morgue acting like she cared, like she was still my best friend. But since then I hadn't heard anything from her which upset and hurt me and also made me angry. The confliction being relief that I hadn't heard from her, its two different things thinking the friendship is over and actually being told by Maura. It would make it so final, but I knew that I would have to eventually talk to her and hear those words.

My family, Ma and Frankie were another confliction, I was hurt that my mother had automatically blamed me for Maura and had taken her and Frankie's side, as though she was her daughter and I was an outsider. However I also felt glad that I didn't have to deal with her. She hurt me and I knew by pushing her away I had hurt her, but I felt I had no other option I had to. I was glad that she had done as I asked and not contacted me, though I suspected that was out of anger than anything else. Frankie, well Frankie I just felt angry with, he had never showed anything romantically towards Maura before, not like Tommy. At least I had seen some sort of chemistry building between them before there almost kiss. It was only two weeks ago that Frankie was chasing after Charlie Hanson the blonde rookie officer. Frankie always said he thought of Maura as a sister and Maura always counted Frankie as a brother ,so I really couldn't understand there sudden relationship unless the brotherly/sisterly relationship had been an act in front of me. I was also pretty sure that Frankie knew I felt more for Maura than just best friends and all of this combined made me angry at him. Along with the fact he had been telling my mother about me leaving that night and god knows what else, he also hadn't tried to contact me so did he even care about me.

I knew I was struggling, and I knew that I was trying to hide it from people but sometimes you can't always hide it and I knew that my behaviour had been unusual for me. I was never passive but that last week I had been and I had been acting out of character, yet no one had tried to reach out to me, at least that was how it felt, like nobody cared.

Friday morning I was in my usual spot on the sofa, nursing a beer for breakfast as I had run out of Coffee. The last few days I had always sat in silence, I never put the TV on, I had lost interest in watching sports even baseball, so my day would be spent staring into space. I was roused out of my thoughts by my cell vibrating, I sat looking at it for a few minutes before I picked it up to see I had a text message, Maura.

I apprehensively opened the message.

**Hi Jane, I hope you're ok. I really think we need to talk, Can we meet at lunch time today. You pick the venue. Maura x**

I sat and looked at the text for at least five minutes; I was trying to fight the trepidation I was feeling. Was today the day that she told me or was she wanting to meet to fight for our friendship, I just didn't know but as much as I was terrified of the former I knew it would be better to finally have an answer.

**Ok Maura I will meet you at 12 in the park at our usual bench x**

It took me a minute before I sent the message my hands were shaking, they were also painful due to the constant rubbing of my scars that I had been doing subconsciously over the last few days, I was actually rubbing them when Maura's reply came through.

**Thank you Jane, I will see you at 12 x**

I had to fight the nausea that was building inside at the thought of meeting Maura, I had an hour and a half to prepare myself, so I decided that I needed to shower and change my clothes I couldn't go out in public in the same clothes I had been wearing since getting home on Tuesday and no doubt my hair would be in a worse mess than usual seeing as it hadn't been washed since then.


End file.
